An Unwelcomed Dream

You know that feeling with life seems like a dream?  Not the kind of dream you fantasize about but the kind of dreaming where even though everything around you is real but it doesn’t seem real?  That is how my life feels.  All of it.  People often ask me what is like to be in a long distance marriage.  I am often quick to say that it’s not great but it could be worse and while that is true, I have also come to the realization that distance in a marriage for me has become so distant that it doesn’t even seem real.

When I began seminary, Daniel and I had just started “dating” or whatever you call it when you relationship is heavily dependent on technology.   Outside of phone conversations and Skype “dates” my life in all practicality was the same from day to day.  I did the seminary thing…I studied hard, met new people, spent hours upon hours in the library, and learned that the more I learn the more I realize I know next to nothing…that is what I call the seminary thing. 

Then, I moved to Guatemala and got married.  I no longer was single.  I no longer was surrounded by people that look like me, speak my language, eat the same foods I eat, drive the same way I do, etc.  My world and my life drastically changed.  I loved it.  I loved being married, eating new delicious foods, riding and driving our moped around, being called someone’s wife, working with the kids in the different villages, and making new friends.  I loved it all minus the heat.

And then, once again, I found myself back in seminary for my last year.  I am married but there are no signs of it in my day to day life outside of phone calls and the ring on my finger.  I know it in my heart and my head but yet there is still some disconnect.  It is as if I am living two lives.  My life here in seminary characterized by class, papers, reading, and singleness and my life in Guatemala which is characterized by marriage, moped rides, cheap and delicious fruits and vegetables, and everything else that accompanies a foreign culture.

I have spent hours begging and pleading for God to bring us back together again.  This is not how marriage should be.  My heart goes out to people who spend greater lengths of time apart than we have and for those who have lost loved ones.  While I may not completely understand your pain, I at least have a glimpse of it.  

I had high hopes of Daniel being here for Christmas but the closer Christmas comes the more and more I realize it will only be by a miracle that he will make it in time.  I believe in miracles.  I witness them all the time.  And so today, I continue to pray for a miracle.  I serve a great and mighty God who can do all things and so I put my faith in Him and trust that He will bring us back together and shatter this dream in which I find myself entrapped.

Reunited!!!

      I am writing this post from Guatemala.  It feels so good to be back, even the weather has welcomed me with grace and mercy.  To say that seeing Daniel at the airport was surreal is not adequate enough to describe the feeling I felt when he greeted me.  It felt both good and weird at the same time to finally see him face to face and not face to Skype.  In many ways, it is as if we have not skipped a beat.

        I am now on my 6^th of 12 days here.  Once again last night, I found myself begging for God’s mercy to be upon us.  It feels so right and so good to be together.  I cannot help but to long for the day that all of this distance stuff is once and for all behind us.  It seems as if the visa situation has reached stagnancy.   I often find myself so desperately longing for a more “normal” life…for Daniel and I to actually live together in the same country, town, and house, to have all of our belongings in one location, for us both to be employed, and for us to tackle my student loans dollar by dollar until they no longer exist. 

        Life seems so much up in the air.  I am ready for consistency in my life.  I am ready to have my family together once and for all.  May God’s grace and mercy be upon us and in our impatience may we be forgiven when we fail to trust His plans for us.   

GOOD NEWS!!! GREAT NEWS!!!

Quick update…as most of you probably heard me shouting from my apartment building yesterday late afternoon, we got the expedite request for Daniel’s visa!  I wish you could all understand just how much of a miracle this news really is.  Ever since we began talk of filing the petition to get him here sooner, people would ask what our odds are.  Not to be dramatic, but literally, all odds were against us, except for one…GOD!

Words cannot describe the feelings that circulated through my head and heart when I read the words in an email.   I have been enduring a season of great lament over the last several weeks, which has resulted in lots of praying, begging, and pleading with God.  My spiritual life has never had such an emotional connect as it has lately.

The second I read the words on the computer screen, I literally fell to the ground, sobbing and repeating the words, “Thank you Jesus” over and over again.  It was in that moment as I lay on the floor in complete surrender to God that I realized the impact of having a God who hears our cries.  Never before have I ever prayed so diligently and religiously for one specific outcome as I have with this petition.   And while this is merely just a stepping stone in regards to the actual process of approval and entry, I take great hope in knowing that God is rooting for us.

I finally know what it feels like to have the same plan that God has for me and all I can say is that it feels great!  I hope that this personal testimony does not bring about false understanding of how prayer and petition works but that it speaks breath and life into the mystery of a God who hears our cries.  “The Lord is my Shepherd, I have all I need” –Psalm 23:1.

Next step:  Wait to receive our second Notice of Action at which point they will either approve or ask for further evidence.  According to the online tracker, they are seeking more evidence.  We are waiting for the official letter to solidify that.  We are unsure of the actual time frame as there are still many unknowns.  The reason the expedite is so exciting is that instead of having to wait until December or January to have our case reviewed, our case is being reviewed immediately!  Praise God.  Please keep us in your prayers as there are still many hoops to jump through. 

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your love and support!

Changing Seasons

I’ve been meaning to update our blog for sometime now.  To be honest, the only thing preventing me from doing so is sheer apathy and well, the hope of eventually having something worth sharing.  It turns out that I am still struggling with apathy daily and well, there hasn’t been much new to share and so I surrender. 

I am now two weeks into my last year of seminary.  In ways it feels good to be back in the academic world and in other ways not so much.  My mind feels so far, far away and my heart even further.  Someone asked me if I missed Guatemala.  My response, “Yeah, kind of.  I miss the culture, the flow of life, the people, our moto, the food, the cheap veggies and fruit, our old neighborhood pool, the mountains, the sunshine, and well, I guess about all of it.” 

The good news is, I feel that my relationship with God is growing immensely during this season of lament.  Unfortunately, I have been a cycle of many ups and downs over this past year but I have seen a change in my understanding of who God is.  Last year at this time, I felt a lot of anxiety and stress that I sought to fix myself.  This year, while I still feel a lot of anxiety and stress over the unknown, I am not as foolish to think that I can handle it all by myself.

God has shown Himself as a provider time and time again just within the last month and a half since I have been back.  It has caused me to think more than twice when I begin to doubt Him.  If you ask me how I am doing with everything, on the surface I may tell you I am struggling but if you ask me how I am doing deep down, I will tell you that I am confident that God is in control and that I know his plan is much better than any plan that I can conjure. 

There is one thing I know and one thing that I know will never change.  God is a faithful and loving God.  And so as I continue my journey through this season of lament, I take great hope in knowing that He hears my cries and that one day, this season too shall pass.

I want to quickly thank you all for your love and prayers!  Daniel and I appreciate the support more than you will ever know.  This week could potentially be a BIG week for us in regards to his visa.  We are to soon find out whether or not he got the expedite on his visa.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers, especially as we await the verdict on his case.  Thank you and God bless!

A Reflection on Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepherd.

        Guide me and lead me.

I shall not be in want.

        I have all I’ve ever needed.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

        In the stillness You are there.

He leads me beside quiet waters.

        Restoration and rejuvenation are upon me .

He restores my soul.

        Thank you for Your grace and mercy.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

        Give me strength and teach me obedience so that I may follow.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death:

        Lord, You never give up on me.

I will fear no evil, for you with me:

        May Your voice reign above all.

Your rod and your staff; they comfort me:

        Into Your hands I commit my life.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies:

        Discipline me to love like you.

You anoint my head with oil:

        Here I am Father, send me!

My cup overflows:

        You know exactly what I need, when I need it.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life:

        Pour down on me.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever:

        Life everlasting; the victory is mine! Amen.

It`s Raining, It's Pouring...

They say when it rains it pours and that the calm follows the storm.  I am currently living in what feels like stormy waters and am seeking to reach calm lands.  Life has been in a whirlwind lately and I ache for God’s truth to reign in my life.  This is the first time in my life as long as I can remember where I haven’t the slightest idea of where God is leading me.  Whether I want to follow or not, I usually am in tune to the power of His voice.  I pray fervently that may ears may hear His voice and that I will obediently follow.

As many of you know, Daniel and I recently applied for him to obtain another tourist visa.  Much to our surprise, he was immediately rejected by the officer at the embassy.  Shocked and confused, we were told that either I get a job and become more established in Guatemala, which is illegal since I am not a resident, or that we apply for a spouse visa, which takes a year IF all goes well.  We were certain that since he abided his first tourist visa that it would be easier to get a second one.  The officer informed us that she has no idea how he even got a one-time entry visa in the first time and that they do not hand them out.  I guess she doesn´t know the God we serve.

I take great hope in knowing that God is bigger than any governmental power and that perhaps, by some miracle, Daniel will receive his spouse visa sooner than a year.  I know that God called me to leave a job I love, a church family that I love, and a youth group that I love to attend seminary and so I am certain of one thing, seminary I shall finish.  It is with much regret that Daniel and I have decided that I will return to Chicago this fall to finish my studies while he will remain in Guatemala and continue working with Flames of Fire.  Financially it is our only option and so we pray that God will watch over us while we are apart from one another.

There are still many decisions to be made and unless God speaks otherwise, I will return home the first of August.  Please keep us both in your prayers as we prepare for the road ahead and as we gather all of our papers to file a petition on his behalf.  And if you ever interested in making a phone call to one of our state officials, please let me know and I will send you more information on how to do so and what to say.  

There is one last remaining element to the storm and that is the saying goodbye to my dearest dog Maggie Sue Musselman.  Maggie became a part of the Musselman family 14 years ago.  She was peacefully put to sleep today at the age of 17.  We were sure she would outlive us all.  She was the best mutt a little 13 year old girl could have asked for.  Some of you may well know her by her other names:  Muffy Fuffy bear, Maggie Waggie, Pretty, Pretty Princess, Squishy Wishybutt, Maggie Suzannie, and the list goes on…May you receive all the dog biscuits you want in dog heaven!

 

Thanks for taking time to read our blog and an even bigger thanks for all your love and support!

Up, Up, and Away

 As requested, I am finally updating our blog.  Sorry for those of you who have been anxiously awaiting, counting down the very hours until a new entry is posted on our site ;). 

Daniel and I just returned to Guatemala after a month long visit with friends and family in the States.  Our time was rejuvenating and fruitful in many ways.  We arrived just in time to celebrate Easter and spend time with the entire immediate family.  It was the first time that Jack and Eli (nephews) were finally able to meet “Uncle Taco” in person.  They LOVE their Uncle Taco!  Jacob (brother-in-law) got his turn to finally meet Daniel a week later at our wedding reception.

Our first week was consumed by planning and preparing for our State-side wedding reception.  We had a total of 170 guests join us in the “third” celebration of our marriage; the first being the civil wedding, the second be the religious ceremony in Guatemala.  Pastor Derek did a tremendous job with the ceremony.  Daniel and I reaffirmed our vows (it had been a whole 3 and a half months ya know…ha).  We had friends and family from all over join us.  To say it meant a lot is not to say enough!

I took Daniel on his first visit to Chicago where we reconnected with seminary friends, ate CHIPTOLE (YUMMY) and Chicago style pizza.  We also hit up the Sears tower (I refuse to call it Willis Tower).  I even managed to shimmy my body out unto the sky boxes…SUPER SCARY!  Oh and we found an apartment for next year.

But perhaps the most exciting news is…DANIEL GOT HIS PRIVATE LICENSE!!  This was by no means in the plans for our trip.  In fact, while we were packing, Daniel asked about bringing his pilot books to study and told him it would be a waste of space…WHOOPS!  Daniel spent significant amount of our trip hanging out at a crop dusting airport where he immediately made friends.  The mechanic, Michael, offered to give Daniel free instruction and free use of his plane.  In less than two weeks time, Daniel studied for a written exam, oral exam, and a practical test, along with 35 hours of training.   To say I am proud is an understatement and to say that what Michael and everyone else at Woodley Aerial did is a blessing is also an understatement.

Daniel has always wanted to be a pilot since he can remember.  When he was younger, people would laugh when he told them his dream.  After all, how would an orphan boy who once lived on the streets ever accomplish a dream like that?  The answer, God!  God is good all the time; all the time, God is good!

Thank you to each and every one of you who have lifted us up in prayer, who have encouraged us, and who have supported us in various ways.  May you too be blessed by the Almighty God!

 

UNCLE TACO!!!!!

 

SkyBox...CREEPY!

 

Enjoying the sunshine and flowers in Chicago.

 

First Day of Solo Flying

Michael and Janet.

Living in Tension

     I really think God is after my attention.  I know I have said that in previous post, but I am telling you, He really is after my heart.  It’s not that He fell out of my heart and now He is trying to enter back in; it’s more like He is still in my heart only buried deep and now He is fighting to regain His status in my life.  I am living in a tension, which I will soon explain but let me first tell you this…

     Months before Daniel and I got married, we had decided that we would do a daily morning devotion together as a way to help us keep God at the center of our relationship.  We decided that we would start the first week back from our honeymoon.  As of today, we have been married for almost two months and today was only our second day of doing devotions together.  To some that may seem like a long time and to others that may not seem bad at all but the problem is, if we do not discipline ourselves now, it will only become that much more difficult to do later.

     We are reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  Today’s devotion started with the following sentence:

Daydreaming about something in order to do it properly is right,

but daydreaming about it when we should be doing it is wrong.

This sentence is based on the passage found in John 14 when Jesus promises the Holy Spirit to be upon those who obey his command. 

“Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. 

He who loves me will be loved by my Father,

 and I too will love him and show myself to him.

He who does not love, will not obey my teachings.” – John 14:21 & 24

When Daniel read that first sentence, I thought to myself, “Here we go, another devotion that I could care less about” (I am just being honest).  When he finished reading, I looked up the context of John 14:31 which was the verse chosen for this particular devotion (“Arise, let us go from here”).  And BAM; it was like a smack in the face or should I say another encounter with God. 

     I will leave you with my confession and my confession is this: I find myself living in a tension.  A part of me longs so bad to have a real, living relationship with God, one much like the people whom I am surrounded by here in Guatemala.  And the other part of me does not care to spend the time and energy it takes to pursue God.  I long to have power in my prayer.  I long to be in sync with the desires of God’s heart.  And I long to understand the plans that God has for and for Daniel.  But the truth is, I do nothing to obtain such desires.  So my question to myself is this, do I really love God?  Am I really being obedient?  The passage in John makes it clear that you are either obedient or you are not; you either love God or you do not.  Where o where is my allegiance?

Seeing things I have never seen before...

Greetings friends and fellow readers,

     Life has finally started to slow down, at least for the next few weeks and for this, I am grateful.   We have had a steady flow of amazing teams from the States come join us in the ministry.  I have met several wonderful people who are passionate about serving God’s children.   This past week, we had a team from South Carolina come host Vacation Bible School (VBS) for the children in Nueva Esperanza.  It didn’t take long for everyone to fall in love with those children.

    This past week has been quite an adventure, filled with many ups and downs.  On the ministry side of things, God is doing big and great things.  Last Sunday, we, including the South Carolina team, joined the village of Naranjo for morning worship.  Following Pastor Jason’s sermon (from S.C.), the congregation was invited to come forward to receive prayer from all of us.   Many people came forward that day and a handful became born again!

     During the time of prayer, I witnessed something that I have never personally witnessed before.  A young female, probably in her late teens, came forward.  It quickly became evident that the young woman had been possessed by a demon.  A Guatemalan pastor lead in prayer as people gathered around her.   After the course of several minutes the demon was cast out and the young woman fell to the ground.  Words cannot describe what it felt like for me to witness such a thing.  I am aware of demon possession and that it is not something that just occurred during Jesus’ ministry, but to see it for myself was a whole other encounter. 

     The pastor who prayed over the young woman has on many occasions has prayed life back into dead bodies.  I am not talking about someone who lost their heart rate and very breath for a few minutes, but people who have been dead for days.  He was in a terrible car accident about 6 months ago and was not expected to walk out of the hospital.  After several days of constant prayer and motivation, he was healed and now, he goes around preaching the gospel to all who has ears.   I am humbled by his faith.

      When I think about the prayer life and devotion of those around me, I stand in awe over their reverence for the Lord.  Where is my reverence for the Lord?  Where is my devotion?  When will I ever stop making excuses?  As mentioned in my last entry, I feel like God is trying to chip away at the many layers I have built over my heart. 

      I wish to do a better job at portraying all that is going on in my everyday life and in my head and heart but if I am being honest, my thoughts are so scattered.  There is much to digest here.  I want to thank all of you who have been praying for Daniel and I.  We greatly appreciate it.

We love and miss you all!

Playing the hand game "Bow-Bow-Ski Whaton Taton"

Performing a skit for the kids at the feeding center in Pacren

Just a shot of a house and a family along the route.

Daniel with our three little amigos in Tizemarte (I would love to adopt them)

Daniel translating for Sunday Morning worship.  This is the guy that has raised people from the dead!

VBS.  The story of Peter and the fish.

Meal time in Nueva Esperanza

My sweet, sweet buddy Samuel whom I would also like to adopt...too bad its not an option.

God at Work

Two weeks ago I received an email from a professor encouraging me to take a class on writing for publication; I got so excited that I forgot to write since then.  So please forgive me for not updating my blog for those of you who actually take the time to read it.   There is much to share as God has been doing many things both big and small.  I cannot even begin to tell you how great it feels to be back in ministry.  I am so blessed to work with Marla, Larry, and the rest of the gang here at Flames of Fire.  I feel as if my eyes are being re-opened to the world around me and to the greatness of our God.  To be honest, my faith journey has taken me on several twist, turns, hills, and flat lands over the course of the last couple of months.  I feel that God is trying to awaken me once.   I have been lazy. 

Last week, Teryl, a woman from the medical team, shared Deut. 31:6 with us one morning:

“Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be afraid, for the Lord your God goes with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

This verse has been circling in my head over the last several days.  I am eagerly anticipating its complications for my life as I am sure that God has something in store for me.

I want to share a few snapshots of different things have seen/experienced in the last three weeks.

1.       While Daniel and I were out delivery food to the feeding centers, we stopped by a family’s house to take pictures of their living quarters.  This family is being taken into consideration for receiving a new house.  While taking pictures, I quickly realized that my camera cost at least two to three times the amount that their house is worth.  I immediately felt embarrassed (I am still trying to digest this experience).

2.       We had 15 Guatemalan Bible school students here for a week long course.  They spent the week learning about prayer.  The students were and still are required to keep a daily prayer journal.  When was the last time I spent any significant amount of time in prayer?   I feel convicted yet I have yet to attend to that conviction.

3.       Last week, we had a medical team of 8 people from Oregon join us.  During their time here, we hosted 5 medical clinics, each one in a different mountain village.  Over the course of the 5 days, we saw over 650 patients, handed out thousands of pills, vitamins, and several pairs of glasses, and most importantly, witnessed approximately 20 people respond to the good news of the Gospel for the first time!   God is good and God is at work, even when we do not realize it.

4.       As mentioned, I am struggling with a conviction of prayer and have been for some time now.  I am trying to understand prayer and all that it entails.  I read an article this fall by Walter Wink.  It was a compelling article.  It challenged me to re-think about the power of prayer.  Daniel and I were once again out delivering food the other day when the truck started to act up on us.  Being stubborn, it refused to start.  As I sat in the driver’s seat and Daniel tinkering with the battery connection, I proactively prayed that the truck would start.  It didn’t.  I continued to pray.  The truck continued to be stubborn.  I then began to pray in the name of Jesus.  The truck started.  I also am still digesting but I think that God is trying to teach me something about prayer…

This post is getting longer than I anticipated and for that I am sorry.  I just wanted to make sure to share before these sorts of things escape my mind.  But while I am talking about prayer, I do ask for anyone and everyone who is willing to keep Daniel’s interview for his visa in your prayers.  His interview is scheduled for 11 a.m. on Valentine’s Day.  We are confident that God is in control but also covet your prayers!  I pray that you are blessed this day.

Love,

Los Portillos

Women waiting to see the nurses.

Don cut Daniel's in-grown toenail out!  It was HUGE!

Ana translating for Marilee in the Pharmacy.

Doctora Pagina doing her thing.

Daniel translated for the nurse Teryl all week.

Teryl at work.

I worked in the Pharmacy all week with Ana and Marilee...it was AWESOME!

Thank you so much team Oregon! You guys were wonderful!!

I got pulled to the middle to dance after our wonderful dinner in Antigua.

P.S. I, Julie, am the most stress-free that I have been in years and it feels great!  In the words of Daniel, “Tanks God!”