You know
that feeling with life seems like a dream?
Not the kind of dream you fantasize about but the kind of dreaming where
even though everything around you is real but it doesn’t seem real? That is how my life feels. All of it.
People often ask me what is like to be in a long distance marriage. I am often quick to say that it’s not great
but it could be worse and while that is true, I have also come to the
realization that distance in a marriage for me has become so distant that it
doesn’t even seem real.
When I
began seminary, Daniel and I had just started “dating” or whatever you call it
when you relationship is heavily dependent on technology. Outside of phone conversations and Skype “dates”
my life in all practicality was the same from day to day. I did the seminary thing…I studied hard, met
new people, spent hours upon hours in the library, and learned that the more I
learn the more I realize I know next to nothing…that is what I call the
seminary thing.
Then, I
moved to Guatemala and got married. I no
longer was single. I no longer was surrounded
by people that look like me, speak my language, eat the same foods I eat, drive
the same way I do, etc. My world and my
life drastically changed. I loved
it. I loved being married, eating new
delicious foods, riding and driving our moped around, being called someone’s
wife, working with the kids in the different villages, and making new
friends. I loved it all minus the heat.
And then,
once again, I found myself back in seminary for my last year. I am married but there are no signs of it in
my day to day life outside of phone calls and the ring on my finger. I know it in my heart and my head but yet
there is still some disconnect. It is as
if I am living two lives. My life here
in seminary characterized by class, papers, reading, and singleness and my life
in Guatemala which is characterized by marriage, moped rides, cheap and delicious
fruits and vegetables, and everything else that accompanies a foreign culture.
I have
spent hours begging and pleading for God to bring us back together again. This is not how marriage should be. My heart goes out to people who spend greater
lengths of time apart than we have and for those who have lost loved ones. While I may not completely understand your
pain, I at least have a glimpse of it.
I had high
hopes of Daniel being here for Christmas but the closer Christmas comes the
more and more I realize it will only be by a miracle that he will make it in
time. I believe in miracles. I witness them all the time. And so today, I continue to pray for a
miracle. I serve a great and mighty God
who can do all things and so I put my faith in Him and trust that He will bring
us back together and shatter this dream in which I find myself entrapped.
